It’s true; I am completely dependent on these little things to sleep at night. I have a deviated septum, which in layman’s terms means my little brother took a poke at me when I was 15 and bent my nose. I haven’t been able to breathe very well since then.
The bad part about having a defective shnoz is that I invariably snore. Loud. No, really loud. Thunderously loud actually. An A-bomb going off in the next room would make less noise. The only thing that keeps my wife in the same bed with me is the fact that she cranks up just as many decibels as I do. Sorry honey, I’m not going down alone.
I realized how much I rely on these things tonight when I was getting ready for bed and suddenly realized I was out of them. Panic set in. How was I going to sleep? I’d be waking myself up all night snoring loud enough to rattle the shingles… on my neighbor’s house!
My wife told me to look in my travel bag to see if there were any left from my trip last week. I tore into the bathroom and ripped open the cabinet where my travel bag lives when we're at home. I unzipped it and began digging through the contents: travel sized shampoo and conditioner, tooth paste, mouth wash, floss, comb, Q-tips, etc. Then, there it was, on the very bottom. A Breathe Right strip! Salvation had arrived and civilization was once again safe.
I put on the strip and copious amounts of air whooshed into my nostrils unabated. AAAAH!
It was then I realized I was addicted to them, and knowing that the first step was to admit it, I went to my office and wrote this.
Do you think there’s a 12 step program I could get in to? I know, I know: steps 1-11: stop being a shmuck. Step 12: stop using the strips. Ha ha, very funny.
I'm going to bed now.
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