Satan's Bathtub

There are tons of jokes about there being no water in hell. I submit that they are all untrue, because there have to be swimming pools in hell because that’s where mine came from!

My first experience with a swimming pool was at my last house. I was a bachelor when I moved in and the house reflected it. It was all carpet and the walls were white. My backyard consisted of a small set of 3 steps made of concrete that went down into the yard. That was it. The rest of the yard was grass, no trees, no plants.

Suddenly, in came a woman. Well, not just a woman, the woman. The most awesome woman in the world actually. God had pity on my pathetic, single life and sent in the Calvary to save me from my meager dwelling.

We married in 2004 and she immediately set out to improve my home… um, I mean our home. Sorry honey.

First on the agenda was floors. She had dogs, and dogs do not mix well with carpet, so up it came and down went tile and wood. Next was paint. Lots and lots and lots of paint. When finished the only room in the house untouched by the colorful onslaught of water-based paint was my office. I guess she felt it was the only man-space left in the house so she let me have it.

I didn’t mind doing any of this because my wife had sold her house when we married and moved in with me which was a huge gesture of sacrifice on her part for the sake of our new marriage. I knew she didn’t like my house that much, so if I could make it into something she did like then I was going to do it.

Then one day we were sitting in the kitchen and she was gazing out the window at the backyard and off handedly said “You know, it wouldn’t be so bad here if we had a pool”. I off handedly replied “Yeah, I guess that would be kind of cool”.

MAN ALERT! For all you newly married guys out there, please know that any comment your wife makes, whether veiled or off handed, is just her way of letting you know what’s about to happen to you.

The next day I looked out and there were people in my backyard digging a hole.

The pool was nice though. My wife had very specific ideas and when finished it was a 20x30 sports pool with an Oklahoma flagstone deck and a large rock waterfall. Nice, huh?

I’d heard from several people how expensive it would be to keep chemicals in stock, and how much work it would be to balance the PH and chlorine, and shock it, and algaecide it, etc. I was a little intimidated by all of this, but it turned out to be easy. After months of obsessively checking the water I found that it didn’t need anything! I literally went out to the chlorine dispenser and added 3” chlorine tabs every two weeks. That’s it, really.

Well, fast forward to the beginning of 2006. My wife and I were once again sitting at the kitchen table (I'm getting rid of that dang thing), and she made the off handed comment that it would be nice to move to a house closer to both of our jobs. I off handedly replied that a shorter commute would be nice.

MAN ALERT! – guys, remember the previous alert? I wasn’t kidding!!

So, the day after Thanksgiving we moved into another house.

I refrain from using the phrase “new house” because it was only new to us; the house is over 30 years old.

I will admit that my 10 minute commute to work is fabulous, and the neighborhood is wonderful. I couldn’t be happier.

However, in the backyard sits a pool, and I’m sure it was probably Satan’s bathtub at one time because it’s been nothing but trouble. The first indication this pool wasn’t going to be as easy to take care of was the fact that when it rained the pool turned green. Dark green. Robin Hood’s tights green.

I learned this is because I have something in my backyard that I didn’t have at my last house - trees. Lots of trees, and I spend a great deal of time getting leaves out of the pool.

I had to scour the internet for information on pool maintenance because I’d forgotten everything I learned when we first put in the last pool because I didn’t need to do anything. I rearmed myself with a wealth of knowledge concerning pool water and bought all of the chemicals I needed to whip this pool into shape. It took a while, but now that I have a good handle on the chemicals the pool seems to be ok. I mean the water is ok. The pool is not.

Here are the problems I’ve had the past 7 months:

1. The drain on the pool floor is clogged. Not just clogged, completely uncloggably clogged. I’m still trying to figure out what to do about it.
2. The timer for the Polaris cleaning thingy that runs around on the bottom sucking up leaves broke.
3. The underwater light assembly fell out of its socket and is hanging in the pool, dead.
4. The lever that directs water to the bubble jets was installed wrong so I have to take the handle off in order to rotate it the correct direction to turn it on.
5. The plastic base under the sand filter collapsed on one side so the filter leaned to the left, pulling the pump and everything with it.

I know, you’re thinking what did this guy do to deserve this? I’ve been wondering that myself.

I repaired the filter and replaced the timer myself. I’m still working on the other items.

I have to admit that buying an older home has revived the handyman in me though. Living in a new house with all new stuff had dulled my skills and I’d lost my Tim Taylor psyche. Now I’m Mr. Handyman again. I’ve done things I’ve never done before, like rip walls down and rebuild closets. I’ve wrestled a 600 pound sand filter and won. I’ve become an electrician, a carpenter, and a painter. It’s been a rebirth of sorts, so I thank God for this old house. I’ve regained my skills just in time to help build the Habitat for Humanity house my church is sponsoring.

“God, thank you for our home. We invite you to come in and live here with us. We pledge to make this house a Christian home where people can come to learn of you and your wonderful gift of salvation. Amen”.